Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
