Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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