when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
