i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
