I'm lost and stupid without you.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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