she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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