dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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