call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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