I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
