If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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