Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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