She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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