I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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