areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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