i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
