Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
