It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I am one with the molecules
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
