Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
