Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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