I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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