U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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