i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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