Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
