You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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