I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
