I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize