nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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