cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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