I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
