My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
