I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize