im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
