He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
