1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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