I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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