You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
