Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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