Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
