people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
