drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize