i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
