Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
