o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
