We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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