In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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