if i can run in heels then i can drive
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
