actually, I'm a sock model
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
