ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
