i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
