Moan for me like Helen Keller
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
