I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
