No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize