you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize