He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
