Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
