the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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