i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's blow job season.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
