Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
