Non-Jews are for practice
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
