i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
