That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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