Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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