It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
This house was built for laser tag.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
