Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
