im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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