dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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