Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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