Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i've created a new STD.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
