Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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