32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
as a side note pls kill me
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
