sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
