What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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