I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
