Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I will pee on everything he values.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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