You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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