bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
