i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
