Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize